Where is Home?
Dear Dad,
Here's what I really love about journaling (besides ranting and spilling one's feelings to themselves on paper rather than burdening someone else): the fact that I can look back at my words just four months ago under the title 'Home' and yet question now why I feel the way I do. In simpler terms—it's free therapy.
Besides that point, I love to write to you in this way in order to fully understand why I may feel a certain emotion in a specific phase of my life or time of the year. Because if I had to define my daily mindset in mid-February, it undoubtedly has seasonal depression written all over it. And no, this isn't solely due to the weather (although you can imagine 15 degrees in Philadelphia has me waking up with a smile) but the sad truth that I'm feeling utterly detached from any sense of home right now.
A year ago today, if you would've asked me where home was, I would've said the dorm, common lounge of the dorm floor, or the feeling of falling asleep listening to my friends ramble on about the underlying principles of life.
Now, if I were asked this same question just down the street surrounded by the same people, the answer confusingly looks completely different. But why? Is it because I haven't been back to my physical home in what seems like ages, or that life is just too "busy" to find a home elsewhere? Is it the realization that those who I thought were home...aren't anymore? Or, is it the fact that I don't feel comfortable in the home that shelters my mind, knowing I'm relying on coffee to stay motivated and awake during every conversation?
You're probably laughing at the whole point of this entry since you know I'm a homebody at heart. I cling onto things that feel like home like the Lehigh Valley, my mom or boyfriend and get sad when things have to change at a certain stage of life. So I guess what I'm praying for in this case is not clarity in where home is, but where that sense of home is within myself. Clarity in what I'm feeling, whether it's the fear of failing in a job, anxiety over not going home for spring break (service trip whoop whoop), or indecisiveness over what I want to do with my life.
My futuristic mindset (which I have a love/hate relationship with) intend to know what's in store for me with hope that both you and God are leading the way. To this I will trust God's plan and...
Missing you always,
Lauren M Tauber
