The More You Look the More You Find

Dear Dad,

Have you ever felt so alone, that you begin to enjoy that very time the most?

Something that’s hit me the hardest recently is, despite the harsh reality that the above statement is for me, it worries me more than comforts me now when looking at my destined time post-college.

Most nights, I find myself sitting in the comfort of my own room, realizing how, on one hand, people may think enjoying time alone with oneself is healthy, while on the other hand, realizing how detrimental I feel that it is for my life in just a few short months.

I get so in my head about this that some nights, I’ve been recently promising myself to be out of the dorm by a certain time tomorrow, in addition to not coming back for a certain set of time (and usually, this means the whole day).

When those who I do come in contact throughout the day ask why I don’t go back to my dorm during the day, I just repeat that it’s too far.

When those who see me outside of my building on a walk detoured away from the route back to my dorm, I say that I’m just enjoying the fresh air.

But the reality is, am I lying more to them, or to myself?

Because although I may be crafting excuses to those who I shield my inner emotions with with my smile, I’m afraid to face those who I’ve come to see as my community at school, to only be saying goodbye to them so soon. In other words, I feel as though I’m turning away from the system I’ve flowed through here, to endure less sadness on the day when I have to move on and say goodbye all at once.

But not everyday is like this, Dad. Some days, I truly do live vicariously through Olivia Dean, who reminds me that looking more, rather than turning away, allows me to find more in who I feel my best around, and how they’ve brought me to where I am today.

If I’ve learned anything in college, it’s that all of the joy and growth that others can bring to me is really all around me all the time. And even though it may not seem like it each night that I’m tempted to pick up food to eat in my dorm rather than the dining hall (although the difference in food quality doesn’t help this either), it has become a goal for me to go and find whatever feelings I don’t find in my solo presence, each and every day.

If you asked me one year ago what I thought about socializing on a daily basis and the friendships that could be formed, I would explain that my personal mental health is what I want to prioritize most.

Although my self care still remains at the top of my prioritization list, doesn’t mean that I can’t go looking for other reasons to self-love and cherish my last moments at college through others.

So when you’ve ever felt lonely, Dad, you weren’t alone. I was right there with you, just 7.5 years later. Better yet, I may have even come close to solving it for you, me, my residents next door, my professors, and my future self, reflecting back on this journal entry.

Whatever the case may be, I am not alone. You were not alone.

Even while sitting in this quiet yet loud dorm from the outside Philly traffic, feeling lonely, someone is or was feeling that way, feeling the same.

For each entry, you’ve probably noticed by now that I enjoy dedicating my thoughts and feelings to a new step forward in this crazy journey of life. Tonight, my words are for those experiencing loneliness, and looking more to find more of what it means to live through others.

To you, Dad, for guiding me through what you once lived and learned. And finally, to looking for more during these last 2 months of college.

Sincerely,

Lauren Michele