Using “Free Will”
Dear Dad,
I’d be lying if I said I don’t frequently feel called to travel. To see the world, do something crazy, and to ultimately feel the same connection with you as I once did when I left the country for the first time four years ago.
Right now, I sit at a very (vintage?) desk at the St. Raphaela Retreat Center in Haverford, a place I’ve now returned to for the fourth time since coming to college.
But this time, I’m here for my senior retreat. 24 hours away from campus as time to reflect on the greatest parts of my college experience, and to look ahead towards what I have yet to face during post-grad.
^ Me writing this entry!
Just a few minutes ago, my small group completed our last reflection together by chatting about our faith journeys since attending college. As we talked, I realized how this connection with God I’ve had since living on my own at school has been one of the only things that has stayed constant in my life. Around this, it has been my relationships with others, academic interests, and outside hobbies or extracurriculars that have fluctuated—all while God has stayed at the center, whether I recognized it at the time or not.
Most importantly, my faith journey throughout these changes has shown me that my faith can feel different at different points in my life. There have certainly been times when I’ve felt that I’ve sinned, but maybe I wasn’t through God’s perception. Or times when I tried to distance myself from the bad influences of my life, but actually turned out to be experiencing the trial-and-error of love that God ultimately wants me to receive.
But what has come to fruition this weekend is the fact that if God did ever view these things as sins, or things I must take time to repent for, the pure experience of these feelings turned out to be all worth it. This is all because, it has brought me to where I am today.
I think one thing I’ve been trying to figure out for most of my life (amongst the many, many things), is what God does or doesn’t want to see from me as an individual. In other words, what is His way of telling me I’ve sinned? What if something regretful I’ve done is only seen as so in my eyes, and not His?
Throughout my experiences of attempting to answer these questions, I’ve found that with prayer and discernment on my side, I can also be the judge of what my actions are defined as.
And yes, although God is the One who fully understands it all, what makes my faith journey the obstacle course it has been is the comfort I’ve found in trusting my own free will. The free will of knowing who I love, who’s worthy of my time and patience, and what I choose to do hour by hour of my day.
This free will has brought me to where I am today. Graduating early with an unforgettable group of friends who make me laugh out of the blue, having a supportive family and boyfriend by my side, and now, planning out my dreams for the next few months ahead.
My current question left to ask are:
Where will my free will take me next?
What can God help me discern while I decide what steps to take?
Who will help me play that role in my next chapter after college?
And most importantly,
Where will I go next, to bring me closer to you?
When I traveled to Italy after graduating high school, I’ve never felt so close to you. Close in remembering how often you used to travel, the souvenirs, candy, and stuffed animals you never failed to surprise me with, and how you promised that one day we would get to go with you as a family.
So let it be my turn now—to see the world as it is, and use my free will to do so with God’s judgment by my side.
Until next time (with less than 100 days left of school),
Lauren M Tauber
