Am I Falling (Again)?
Dear Dad,
Today was a day. I wouldn’t classify it as a “tough” day, but a “tough-er” one, where you know things could get worse, but you still decide to sulk in it. I think this reminder hit me not as I slit my finger on my (yogurt container ?), not as it proceeded to bleed during a presentation, not as I watched almost each of my classmates use AI to apply for jobs during class, but as I looked in the mirror after the long day and realized how far I’ve come. And yes, it may have been the mood set by Mr. Styles himself, as Falling played in the background (duh), but it wasn’t until I heard these lyrics playing that I felt transported back to a time in high school when all I listened to was this song.
In the dark place that I was, the song somehow healed and broke me down all over again in a span of 4 minutes, while dragging me into listening to it again, day after day. I remember then how prayer was not even a part of who I was, but rather a coping mechanism I would leave on my “back burner” and return to whenever Sunday hit, or just when it felt most fitting.
Now, 5 years later, I’m able to look at my reflection, even when I want to be sad, and laugh at myself for even trying to replicate the girl I once was. The laughter through my tears tells me I’ve done something right, while standing in my college dorm after a full day of classes, eating with friends in the dining hall, and getting ready to run 10 miles on Saturday (yay Rocky Run)!!!!
Whether this “something” I did right was made up of one or hundreds of decisions, all I wish I could do now is tell 15 year old Lauren that college will treat her well—so well that she will graduate a year early—and will soon be reflecting on her past the night before her last class registration day, wondering where time has gone. I would also note that God would make an appearance in her life, once she let Him, but not in the ways she would think. Although never physically, His appearance would come through her relationships, her drive/motivation, and the sky (no matter the weather)!
But most importantly, he’s through you, Dad. So on these frequent days of senior year when I ask myself if I’m “falling” again, I try to remember who I once was, and how far I’ve come.
Without your departure from this earth there would be a very shallow relationship between me and God. What surprises me most is that this was not tested until almost 2 years without you, when I realized something about my persona was missing. Truthfully, I constantly placed the burden on you by saying my grieving was delayed, and my mindset was finally adjusting to having no true father figure. Little did I know that I may have been foolishly making excuses for my sadness, but not for the lack of paternal presence in my life.
Instead, turning to the development of my faith and learning what God means to me replaced this feeling. It’s almost as if your leave made room for a deeper relationship like no other, and one that I can turn to when Harry Styles tells me I’m falling again.
To you and God’s love like no other—your daughter,
Lauren M Tauber
