I’m So Many Things
Dear Dad,
Merry late Christmas. Celebrating the birth of the Lord and the love which He’s given all around us has always been hard to do 100% authentically for our family since you’ve been gone, although each year seems to ease with time. In 2018 when our house turned from 5 to 4 people, it’s almost if both ourselves and guests invited over for the holiday were waiting for someone else to show up that would never come. Now, it’s as if our hearts are nearly full again—so full, that we decided to squeeze them altogether in the comfort of our small townhome for the second year in a row.
In light of the holidays (and all time spent on the couch recovering from post-holiday illness), I’ve gathered together a list of reflections which I’ve realized in myself over this past year:
I’m so emotional.
I’m SO indecisive.
I’m so easily persuaded by my thoughts.
I’m so in my head.
I’m so afraid (while being in my head).
I’m so fulfilled (that I’m always looking for more).
I’m so unsure.
I’m so down on myself during those lazy moments (especially when down bad).
I’m so frantic, and can’t sit still.
I’m so overdramatic.
I’m so empathetic.
I’m so many things. If I had to pick one learning curve from 2025, this would be the one.
But what have I truly learned through the questioning and reflection of these past couple of months? How proud I am to be so many things.
Very frequently through journaling, I think I tend to reflect on myself and my feelings poorly, which makes me question why or how God has directed me through these crazy obstacles of life.
But one thing I fail to mention that I do recognize on a constant basis is how proud I am to not only be your daughter, but someone who has grown in ways unimaginable since you last physically saw me. Sure, I have my ups, downs, and abilities to be anxious about anything and everything that seems “off”, but what is truly special about all of this is my willingness to acknowledge and share my feelings online.
For myself or anyone that does the same, this should be celebrated. The personal success and accomplishment I feel I’ve made just by simply seeing that even one person has viewed my letters to you is a feeling I’ll never be able to comprehend.
I say all of this knowing that although I’ve (somehow) played out to be the type A, detail-oriented person I am about pretty much anything, I still have a long way to go in terms of growth. Growth never ceases, and never slows down as I learn and acquire new knowledge each day.
Back in middle school and high school it would be minimal to say I used to perceive growth differently, being that I saw college as the “be all end all” goal of my life. No matter where I would end up going to school, all my dreams would come true, I thought. Now (not to be cliché) although some of my dreams came true of meeting some of my best friends and living in a bustling city, did I not realize how untrue these assumptions would be—and how growing is something I will face for the rest of my life.
By now, the concept of growth may seem like something you think I have instilled on my back of my hand. But in reality, I routinely ponder how you may have perceived growth in your life. I’ll ask questions to myself such as:
How did your mind grow overtime into the father I knew? What stages did it experience and go through?
When did growth ever seem most viable, and least?
When did you experience the most growth in your lifetime?
Is there a point when I saw you change or grow the most?
When did you believe no more growth was possible?
Growth is a weird thing. It can start by showing us a part of ourselves that seems unrecognizable, or drag us through nearly unbearable lessons that make us come out unbelievably stronger.
So, even though I may be “so many things”, I won’t be these things forever—only God knows how I’ve truly grown and who I have yet to become. These things that I feel may define me now could actually disappear once that clock strikes midnight in about 5 days and it’s 2026. Or, it may stay for the long-run. But no matter what, I pray that I get to fully experience these transitions and get to see how I come out on the other side.
To 2025 and its moments of emotion, indecisiveness, fear, and uncertainty. And here’s to 2026—going into it being me (with all the things), and watching all the growth that happens with time.
Love,
Lauren M Tauber
