Drunk in Love

Dear Dad,

Every time I think about writing a new entry, I pay close attention to the lyric of the current song playing in my earbuds, and then usually use that as my title (so creative, I know). Usually, I’ll type my title first, and then write how I’m feeling immediately after—and somehow, it always makes sense.

Today, on my routine post-grad walk, I was listening to quite the throwback: Watermelon Moonshine by Lainey Wilson, probably one of my core-rotational songs I listened to on repeat during my senior year summer of high school. The nostalgia of the song made me look up at the trees and not only think about how different times are now compared to when I was first obsessed with the song, but how far I’ve come developmentally since graduating high school.

Now, just this week, I get to brag about how I graduated college in three years at 20 years old, before I can even legally drink.

What I thought I knew back then as I first heard this song in my friend’s Jeep Wrangler (she knows who she is) has certainly been proven wrong throughout my time in college. Although I could probably talk forever about how or why this is, I believe that the most significant change that I have seen in myself is my ability to be my authentic self around those who I love the most.

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m more introverted than extroverted, meaning that I truly feel the most recharged after being alone for hours at a time. Even in classrooms or coffee shops filled with friends laughing and smiling can I be found in my own world, only when I allow myself to be. Of course, as I do always try my best to make everyone feel seen and heard, as I would want to be done to myself, there are times when I determine that staying out of a conversation is the best for my head space in a certain time and place.

In past years, this trait of mine has become a little toxic in my eyes. In other words, my tendency to shut some people out at certain moments actually started to draw me away from wanting to hang out with others at all. In my mind, it was me who understood myself the best. Therefore, I thought, what was the point in exerting my time and energy onto others who would struggle to grasp parts of me that I would try to explain?

This not only drew me away from social interactions, but actually had me looking forward to getting back to my dorm to be alone when I did set aside the time to hang out with someone. I would make plans because I knew I had to to maintain my relationships. But in reality, I was spending the time thinking about what I would do later rather than living in the present.

When I realized that this was becoming a social anxiety/stressor for me, I told myself that it was not just me who caused this. Past trauma with friends, acquaintances, and roommates had led me down this hole I created.

At this point, you may be wondering, then why the @#%! are you feeling “drunk in love”?

It wasn’t until this past year that something shifted in my mindset of socialization and how I should spend my time not only learning about others through conversing, but learning more about myself in the process of telling others about myself.

I almost started viewing my hangouts as a feedback loop. This definitely helped my mentality going into seeing people in the beginning, but after a while, I didn’t even need to think about anything else. In other words, I had the privilege of meeting some of my bestest friends this past year, because I allowed myself to let them in. And, as always, friendships are a two-way road. There must be mutual feelings shared before relationships develop. So, of course, not only did I let them in, but they certainly, 100%, let me in too.

They managed to let me in so much that I’ve felt the most valued and cherished as a friend that I have felt in a long time. Yes, I had my mom, brothers, extended family, and boyfriend that constantly emulated love towards me—but these new friendships I encountered were different.

Whether I had a serious topic to bring up, or a stupid story that DEFINITELY wasn’t worth the time to listen to, these friends were there. And in the end, I did find myself. Not my whole, entire self, as I am routinely reminded that I am growing every day. But just enough that has made me realize, at this point in my life, that some relationships are worth the time and energy for.

So as I walked across that stage last Thursday and said goodbye to the place that has brought me so much chaos and stress, I grinned at the fact that I’ve never felt more like myself. I would not necessarily miss the place which I chose to live my last three years in, but the people that made me grow into realizing, just in the past year, how special the youth of college can be.

Today, I only wish that I had formed these relationships sooner. One certain connection made is one that even my family, who have not experienced the days of getting to know this person with me, says they wish I would have established this friendship sooner.

On top of the emotions that drove this day into remembering how young and clueless I was first listening to Lainey Wilson, nearly all of the people from both home and school that I love the most showed up to see me reach this milestone of mine (only slightly limited by a certain # of grad tickets I got to hand out). When worlds collide »»»»»

After feeling so loved this week, not only by my school and faculty but by everyone who was there to support me, I couldn’t help but repeat “my heart”—because my heart truly felt overflowed in those moments. The ones where I knew I was being appreciated for being myself, and not someone who I used to hide all those months ago.

Just before graduation, I journaled and prayed that you could give me “a sign” towards what my path holds in the near future. Besides an old professor of mine saying, “go do the thing”, you surely gave me some sign. A sign that I am loved and cared for no matter where I am. So, for now, and for the future, I’m feeling very drunk in love <3

Sending my love to you,

Lauren M Tauber